What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 04:20
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But it wasn’t much.
How do I convince my husband that a threesome is okay?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I write beautiful poetry .
But, we were locked up after school.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
What does success really mean to you? Is it about happiness, money, or something else?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We were not on the streets..
What one thing makes someone a very mature person?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Was to survive, this bastard.
It was going to be , some day.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was very sick at this time too.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Ive learnt so much.
I will be 64.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She married twice! .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
This is soul school!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My family never makes their pension either.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
When she asked me how she looked .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She found it foreign!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why did i forgive my father ?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So whats the point in blame.
And i lived it daily.
One cannot live in the past .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I think the readers, may guess!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He knew the spot.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Who then, do I blame.?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was seconnd youngest,
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My life is so biszare .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was scared of men, in general
So, i spoilt her more .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But ive been too sick for many years..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Would this be the day?
I don,t even have a pension.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I waited trembling.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She loved him until the end.
I have no regrets .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I couldn’t, believe it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Put me off passion for life!!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I never cut or harmed myself..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was 9 years of age.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She was in good health!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im still living with it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She wouldn,t have been !
Comes on , in middle age.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
(And it was in our own minds.)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
All the time i was locked up.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I said to her
We all went to grammer schools
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He resisted the act ,that day.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
What did i know ?